Keep Moving Forward

Strength, perseverance, faith and hope.  These are the words that come to mind when I think of my mom. Has it seriously already been a year?  Feels just like yesterday.  I remember it perfectly.  It was a beautiful day outside and I was bummed because I was stuck inside all day.  I was sitting in exercise physiology with Alyssa right behind me and Kristen sitting on my right side, when I got a text from my dad explaining the results.  I immediately got up and left.  Got into my car and started driving until I had to pull over due to the fact I couldn't see and I couldn't get my hands to stop shaking.  Yes, it was one of those ugly cries that make you feel like you are literally suffocating.  Then the questions started "Why did this happen again?" "How is this possible?"  "Could we have avoided this?"  "What if I lose her this time?"  "How bad is it?" The list goes on and on.  I think that is what always happens though anytime you get shocking news that you never saw coming.  I definitely went through different stages.  In the beginning I was in total denial and wouldn't accept it.  Then, I got really angry but that didn't last long (maybe because naturally, I can't stay angry for very long.)  What lasted a while, was the sadness and heart ache that came next.  One thing I struggled with in the beginning, was accepting the fact that one of the hardest trials of my life thus far, the one that I had worked so hard to get over and move on from 10 years ago, was going to happen all over again and I had no control over it.  I couldn't stop it, couldn't fix it, and couldn't make it go away no matter how hard I screamed or cried due to my heart literally feeling like it was going to crumble.  All I could do was get on my knees and pray to my Heavenly  Father.  Through him, I found my strength.  I found motivation to keep going even though all I wanted to do was get on the next plane to Chicago and be with her.  Watching her fight this again, I am honored to be able to call this amazing woman my mom.  We are not done yet and still have a while to go, but my mom is one determined lady and wont be giving up any time soon!  My dad and Anthony have also been truly amazing and I wouldn't want to go through this trial with anyone else.  They are some of the strongest people I know and I am so grateful to have those two men in my life.  I will never be able to find the appropriate words to describe the love I have for my family.  Looking back, my heart is humbled to think of the many blessings we have been given.  This last year has been full of little miracles and so many tender mercies.  I am so grateful that she is still with us today fighting strong and able to get the best care in the nation at CTCA, in Chicago.  Those doctors, surgeons and nurses have done some amazing things for us and I will be forever thankful for them.  I know you hear people say this all the time, but it is so true.  One thing I have learned is not to hold back your feelings and emotions.  Don't let fear influence your choices in life.  It only takes one second, one little moment, one test result, one decision and your life can be changed forever.  Don't take the people close to you for granted.  Express how much you love and care for them.  Find the good in everyday.  Realize how fragile life is.  Realize that the relationship you have with your family is priceless.  Express your gratitude to your Heavenly Father for everything he has given you.  Embrace each day with a smile and know that God loves and cares for you.  No matter what hardship you are going through, there is always hope.     

Here is a little recap of this last year:

Mom started chemotherapy right away to try an shrink the tumor.  She had 4 chemo sessions total.  The body can only take so much chemo.  Due to her already doing chemo and radiation treatments 10 years ago, we only had a certain amount of chemo treatments left to use. 

Just chillen at the hospital.  I loved being home with her in the summer to take her to appointments and some treatments.  Honestly, I just loved spending time with her.  And yes, the hospital gave us those Naked drinks that I'm still not a huge fan of :)  sorry mom!

Good news:  tumor began to shrink and continued to shrink with further treatment!   

She still went to work during her chemo treatments and is looking good supporting the Cubbies! 

She is beautiful! 

LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!!  Such a wonderful day.   

On July 8th, she had her single mastectomy (right side), where they also removed the tumor and 23 lymph nodes from her under arm area. We didn't get the news we wanted.  The results came back and showed that the cancer had spread and was in 3 out of the 23 lymph nodes.  This meant we had to go back to the drawing board.    

Before we could even make a plan and move forward (towards the end of July), she came down with the shingles.  They think it was caused by her weak immune system and stress caused by her treatments and surgery.  At that point we couldn't do any treatment till that was fixed.  If you have ever had shingles before, you know how painful it can be.  So on top of dealing with all the nasty side affects from her chemo, trying to heal after a huge surgery, she now has a painful rash spreading on one side of her body. 

Eventually, we got that under control and was anxious to move forward with treatment.  But soon after, in the beginning of September,  she was at work when she lost her eye sight.  She suffered from a detached retina and a torn macula.  She then went into surgery to repair the damage.  There were complications and her vision wasn't fully restored.  They said it might take a year or so for it to get better, or she might always have trouble with her vision.  It breaks my heart.  Yes, chemo and radiation can do amazing things but at the same time, destroy other parts of your body.  

FINALLY in October, after going through 3 months with no treatments, we were finally able to get started.  We didn't have many options.  We pretty much used up all her chemotherapy that was available to her.  Well, the hard core kind that gets pumped through her heart/arm.  So, they said we could try oral chemotherapy.  They told us she would be on this chemo till the end of December.  Then she would be tested once again.  If her test came back clean, we could move forward with reconstruction surgery.      

We got the results back in the first week in January.   Such a bitter sweet moment.  That was such a big day for my family.  It was the day we had been anticipating the last 11 months.  The day when we could say "she beat Cancer for the second time."  The test results came back clean of Cancer BUT the doctors didn't feel comfortable moving forward with reconstructive surgery.  They also found a lump on her mastectomy side that they think is just scar tissue.  Just to be safe, they are having her continue her oral chemotherapy for 3 more months and she will be tested once again sometime in April.  I had so many mixed emotions.  I wanted to cry for joy because despite the continued chemo, the Cancer was gone but we weren't in the clear yet.  My sweet mom had a harder time accepting it.  Can you blame her? Like us all, she just wants to be done with all this.  She has given everything she has, fighting for her life.  So, when you are this close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and yet there is another set back, it's hard.  I am just grateful we took a step forward and not a huge step backwards.           

So, today she is doing her oral chemo.  Seven days on, seven days off.  She has her good days and her bad.  I adore her and I don't know how she deals with the daily pain.  My mom is the strongest woman I know.  I look up to her and her continued strength to keep going.  To keep fighting.  Never giving up no matter what is thrown her way.   I am seriously one lucky girl to be blessed to have this woman in my life!